Self doubt

Looking back at my previous post, I realise that this is becoming a habit. For the past 6 months, have I not improved a slight bit?

Today's feedback from a tutor wasn't unexpected. I already knew what was coming much earlier into the rotation. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt this time. How can it not hurt, when a tutor tells you that she is concerned about you? And then asking about your previous performances doesn't help with the confidence either. To be honest, I'm worried about myself too. Its a little late to be saying this, but how can I catch up in time so I can at least be on par with the rest?

I may think that I'm OK, maybe just stressed out when people pose questions directed to me, but I was told that is not the case at all. I'm not just reserved or shy. I'm lacking. Which is what is causing the reservedness. I know that. But that doesn't make it any less painful.

Add that on to what another tutor told me yesterday. When I said that yes, I need to read more, the tutor said something like, ya, you're one half of the posting slow in catching up, hut its OK you're doing OK. Now, tell me, won't you feel hurt? And then he went on to say what he thinks are nice things to say about people,  which are actually just what he tells everyone, in the hope that people feel motivated.

Well the tutor today said that my strength is in communicating with patients. Patients don't mind me, and I have good rapport with patients. I'm a pleasant person. Now, what kind of a comment is that. That is something you tell someone you don't like. Something you say when you have nothing else good to say about someone, yet you have to say something nice. So that's what you would say. You're a pleasant person.

Please.

I know I don't meet your expectations. I know I'm not good enough.

I'll try harder. But maybe I should have done that earlier. Put in more effort.

But let me try.

Let me do my best.

Let me be willing to strive for the best.

I want to be a good doctor. And in my own right. With my own effort. And not something you say just for the sake of making me feel better.

But I thank you for your encouragement. And I thank you for your honesty. You woke me up.

I shall not be complacent anymore. I'll work to where I want to be.

And I hope to reach my aim. My target. And be who I've always wanted to be.

I hope I'll be someone you will be proud of. Someday.

And most importantly, I hope to be someone I can be proud of. Someone I would be proud to introduce to others.

Sigh.

Life has been good to me so far.

Is it me who isn't taking the initiative to learn more? To gain more knowledge and experience?
Am I too lazy?
Or am I just plain complacent?

I'm starting to question whether I'm in the right course. Right, it may be a little too late for opting out, seeing as I'm already 4 years into the course. I've always thought that this is what I want to do with my life. A life of helping others. Sounds cliche, I know. But that is truly what I've always wanted.

But is this career for me?

People may think that I'm smart, intelligent maybe. Somehow, I don't see myself as that.

I don't seem to be able to remember much of what I study.
I don't seem to be able to answer a lot of the questions posed to me by friends, lecturers, patients even.

I've always admired those who can talk to patients well, able to explain their conditions to them, and have a ready explanation waiting for them when they ask questions. However, I seem to be very lacking in that area.

Not only that, I'm afraid of hurting the patients. Especially when it comes to performing procedures on the patient. I'm afraid that I would hurt the patient. I cannot exhibit confidence when performing procedures on patients. As a result, patients are reluctant to place their trust in me. Not that I blame them.

I really do admire those who exude confidence wherever they go. Talking to patients, explaining and answering the questions with no hesitation whatsoever, and performing with confidence and ease procedures they've never done before.

How do I gain confidence?

If I do no have confidence, how can I expect patients to place their trust in me?

Trust is so fragile. If they give me their trust, and yet I somehow unintentionally hurt them, how do I answer to that?

How?

I'm complaining.

This is going to be a post purely for complaints.

This is just ridiculous. I can understand when girls go all moody and broody during their time of the month. But guys too? Okay, fine. I accept that people have ups and downs in life. Maybe some days are just plain bad days for them. But in 5 days there's at least 3 bad days? Seriously? Is life really that miserable?

Let's go on with the story.

Okay. So there's this guy. Initially he was just normal. I mean an average guy, goes to class, has lunch with fellow group mates, hangs out with them, studies with them.Well, all part of group activity. Maybe group bonding too.

So said guy is rich. Recently kept reminding group of friends of his parents' purchase of a semi-D house in Selangor that costs quite a lot by my standards. First started with, 'I'm so happy, my parents bought a new house!' Then went on to, 'we bought that house as an investment, so now we'll be staying in 2 houses!' Yay! Then 'I'll surely invite you guys for house warming!' Then, 'my parents plan to renovate the house, and my parents said that they might give me the house, so I'll contribute some of my scholarship money towards renovating my room.'

Oh wait. I'm forgetting that vast piece of land, also in Selangor. Oh yea, land there is expensive, and his parents have acres and acres of it. Oh guess what, he also has a durian orchard or something. Only the very best of durians, D24 and musang king mind you! Anything less than that and this spoiled brat does not eat.

That's not the end of it. Not even close.

Hmm..let's see. Said guy is also extremely confident of himself. Thinks so highly of his abilities. 

So he can perform magic. But what is magic? An illusion. I admit that he is quite good at his stuff and that many people would be impressed by what he can do. Some have asked him if he does it as a means of impressing girls which he has brushed off quite a number of times, I think. But ask me and I would tell you that honestly, I think he does it to impress. He himself said that he chose to perform because not many are talented and have the skill required for magic. Ask me if I'm impressed and it would be a big fat NO. 

Oh, he's atheist. Many people are, and I'm not judging. You can believe in whatever you want to. But I say, humility is a virtue. Bragging is not. Not everything is about you. You are not the center of the universe, much as you would like to believe.

Ahhh. I almost forgot about the part where he would go all 'emo' for no apparent reason. We can never figure out what ticked him off, and he would never bother to tell. Just another attention seeker. Wants people to hover around him, trying to find out what's wrong, and then make him feel better. Grow up, will you? 

What have I covered so far? Hmmm.. Ah! Said guy also likes telling us about how he likes to study, how he intends to continue to further his studies right after he completes his degree, and how his parents would help pay off his scholarship so he would not need to serve his bond with the government.

Some might think that this is just me being jealous of what he has. I doubt that. However, what I do know for sure is that this is annoying me to the max and I really cannot stand being around him anymore.

Seriously. We can't be bothered how rich you are. Why in the world do you need to tell the whole wide world about how rich you are, how smart you are, how talented you are? 

Once is enough, maybe even more than enough, but then who am I to say anything? 

Go ahead, keep repeating it like a broken record will you?

Cherish!

The mid-sem break was meant to be a time for rest (and studying, since the test was on the following Monday), but it somehow ended up serving as a harsh reminder to all of us to cherish what we have.

The week started off with many of us going back to our respective hometowns, to recharge before returning to nerd for the exam.

And as the test loomed nearer, yet studying didnt seem to be progressing, it was the usual whining and complaining on the never-ending-lecture-notes, the thick books, and oh why did we ever choose this course?? I guess its just a student thing to do: to post our feelings on studies and what-nots on Fb, and see if anyone out there is kind enough to sympathetise with our sad fate.

But on a fateful Friday evening, some of our classmates went for a badminton game, oblivious to what would happen next. A classmate, who joined them for the game, was not feeling very well. She started vomiting, and later collapsed. She was rushed to the medical center around the corner, and was admitted into the ICU. However, 2 hours after her collapse, she passed on.

She was so young, so full of life, and had such a long journey ahead of her.

So many dreams unaccomplished, so many wishes unfulfilled.

She left.

Leaving behind devastated family members and friends. It was so unexpected, and everyone was shocked to say the least. Many were still in shock when they went and paid tribute to her. And tears could be seen on most peoples' faces.

Some heard her father telling her how proud he was of her, that she had so many friends, and that so many came to see her, to pay their last respects to her. It's just so heartbreaking. No parent should ever have to go through the pain of burying their children.

It is in times of adversity like this that we came together as a family, giving comfort and support to each other, mourning for the loss of one of us.

I guess most of us were rudely jolted awake to the fact that nothing is forever in this world. Sometimes, the unexpected happens, and we just have to deal with it, and then move on. But something we should never forget is to cherish life and what it gives us. Life is too short to be lived in anger and hatred when it could be so much better with a positive perspective on life. Learn to appreciate those around you. Appreciate the smaller things in life that gives you happiness. It could be the bloom of flowers you see on the way to work. It could be the joy of waking up to a great breakfast prepared for you. It could be playing with your pets. It could be simply spending quality time with friends and family. Whatever it is, live in the moment, enjoy it, and cherish it. You'd never know if you're going to get the chance again.

Also, never ever forget your family, and your friends. They are all you have if you're stripped of all your titles and possessions. They will always be there for you. So if you haven't told them your love them and appreciate them, start now! And if you're not on good terms with some of them, do make amends. You wouldn't want to live in regret.

To our classmate who passed on, all we can say to comfort ourselves is that God loves her more than we do, and that she is in a much better place now. But she will always be remembered, and always remain a part of us, a part of our big extended family. RIP, my friend.

Flying Without Wings

'Flying without wings'. That was the theme of the charity event held by the MuMeds.

This fund raising event was also held to raise the awareness of the public about disabled people. Though disabled, they are able to achieve a lot of things too, and should not be discriminated againts and unfairly dismissed.

The event T-shirt goes something like this:

'A dragonfly can fly with 4 wings.

An aeroplane can fly with 2 wings.

We can fly without wings.'

Nice right? I know. =)

Anyway, back to the event.

The event was held from 10am to 5pm. We, the first year meddies actually came up with a sketch for the event too. And guess what, I actually skipped my first lecture of the year to watch the sketch. I don't even know if I should feel guilty or proud @.@ It was a great sketch, (not bad considering that we only came up with the script in such a short time), and it ended with the cast using sign language to convey the message that disabled people are people too. A great take home message if you ask me. =)

The video can be viewed here. Enjoy~!

Needless to say, I got myself one of the meaningful event T-shirts, and also 2 badges. Hehe.. And together with J, actually got myself my first hennas ever. It was super cool~ XD

Grab a look at my hennas, one on my neck, and another on my hand. Ah.. these were taken immediately when it was done, before it could get twisted and as J puts it, 'retarded'.

Cool eh? I'm super happy with it. =D

I think everyone was super high today because of the event. Only a handful of the 138 of us turned up for Dr S's lecture. Poor Dr S. Haha..

Anyway, I think most of us weren't in the mood for PBL at all, and if not for PBL, I'm guessing that most of us would just skip whatever lecture there is just to be at the event. Lolss..

With the great convincing job JW and the few others manning the games booth did, J and I decided to give a try at the Ice Box. We were supposed to put our hands into a dustbin full of ice water and grab out 8 out of only 12 red marbles among a few tens of other coloured marbles. All within 20 seconds. And we could only use one hand, and no changing of hands were allowed. So freaking scary. To add to that, some kind senior decided to add in more ice before we started the game. =.=

I had my turn after J, and after giving myself some mental preparation on what to expect, I dipped my hand into the ice cold water. I didn't bother trying to put the marbles nicely on the table, and instead just threw everything around, until the senior had to tell me to be more gentle, as I think they got sprayed with water. =P Conclusion was, I actually managed to get out 8 red marbles, before the 20 seconds was even up. Just my lucky day I guess. I got a KitKat and a packet of Ribena, and my hand wasn't even really really numb. Fun indeed~!

The most popular booth would be the dunking booth. Where someone would sit on a platform above a tub of yes, you guessed it, ice water. Participants would then buy shots at the lever and try to hit it, and hit it hard so that the person would go 'Splash' into the water. Many people were lining up to get their turn at a shot at whoever was sitting up there, and many more surrounded to watch the splashing. I did my share of watching and staring after PBL. *Grins*

One thing I can comment about the dunking is that it is a super fast way of fund-raising. Rm3 for 3 shots, and the only cost was for the rental of the equipment. At the end of it, they were just dragging everyone up there, and dunking them, with much pleasure. Some of them were dunked only after multiple shots, whereas some, with the first shot itself. One thing they all had in common was this - the epic moment when they realised they were falling into the tub just before they hit the water. Their expression, I tell you, it was worth watching them being dunked. Epic man~

Well... I guess that just about concludes my account of the event. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, though I wasn't even involved in it. I guess next year when it's us year one's turn to man the event, it'll be even more fun. Till then~

And for now, do remember that 'We can FLY without wings' ~!!! =)

I Regret

I regret ever wanting to dive.

I regret ever signing up for diving as my selective.

One wrong move, and I think I might just be screwed for a very long loooong time.

Sad indeed. Yeah, I know.

Well, lemme just start from the very beginning.

I wanted to do diving as my selective. I signed up for diving. I got diving as my selective, along with another 5 others.

All those joining the diving selective received no news whatsoever about the diving course, we did not know when we were going, for how long, and what exactly we would be doing there. We did not even know when we were supposed to pay for the whole course, or when we start.

On the day where all other selectives were starting, we received a text message from admin telling us where to meet for the briefing (which I wasn't aware of until much later). I did not know about that, and I approached one of my coursemate who was also doing diving. He then asked if I was really keen on going diving, as it was so near to the exam. He also mentioned that he and the rest were thinking of dropping the selective, and asked if I would like to do so too. I asked him where the rest were. I was told that it was only the 4 of us left. The other 2 dropped out earlier. I was like, WTH????

And so, I agreed. And we went to see Ms C, who was in charge of the selectives. She told us that we were not able to drop at this last minute, and said that we would have to talk to Mr P, who was in charge. Only with his permission, would we be able to drop diving and change to another selective.

We were unable to find Mr P in his office, and so we met Dr C, who was in charge, together with Mr P. She didn't seem too pleased or friendly towards us, and said that Mr P has put in a lot of effort in preparing this event for us. Apparently, he even went to Tioman to check out the place and make bookings. It wasn't going to be so easy as to just cancel the trip. She also mentioned that the diving instructor would be meeting us later together with Mr P for the briefing.

We were standing outside the doorway leading to the offices, when Dr Sv and Dr J passed by. After talking to Dr J, we found out that Dr Sh was also in charge of the selectives. Of course we went and see her. And she being the nice person that she was, understood our concerns 101%. When we requested her to talk to Mr P for us, she agreed immediately. Such a nice person, always ready to help the students. She told us not to feel bad about our decision, as she understood the situation. She mentioned that there was a minimum requirement of 5 participants for each selective to be carried out, and that when they suggested Mr P to drop it, he insisted on carrying it on just because he said we wanted to dive. I thought nothing much about it, until very much later.

Anyway, Dr Sh could not contact Mr P, and only managed to send him a text message and an email, saying that we would like to drop out of the selectivc. Anxiously, we waited for him at the staff lounge. He arrived half an hour late, and as expected, he brought along the diving instructor.

His first words were, 'So, you all want to drop diving?', and then he proceeded to talk at length about how he thought 4 of us were going to drop, so at least there was still one person who wanted to dive etc etc etc... I won't bore you with all those details, well, I won't even bore myself going through it all again.

Main point: he looked angry, and sounded damn angry.

He was going on about how we should be prepared 2 weeks before the exam, that exam is no excuse not to go for it. When we kinda mentioned that we were coming back on the 4th and exam was on the 5th, he retorted that No, no.. we're coming back on the 31st. Then continued on preaching about how he took the trouble to do this, do that, book this, book that. Limo is RM700 per trip, and he didn't trust buses, especially since it was the festive season, the place we would be staying, he even said that the instructor had to take time off work, and that would mean a loss of income of 18k, or 9k or something like that, which didn't manage to get into my brain.

With all that said, he gave us the green light to drop diving as a selective. But it was not as easy as that. Oh no... We had to pay compensation, of course. He was cursing that his mistake was not collecting a deposit from us. Okay, we can quit. But we would have to come up with RM1000 the following day - for compensation.

Thinking that, why the bloody hell would I pay for nothing, I asked A if she was ok with diving, She agreed, and the other 2 guys reluctantly agreed too. I said that we would go, but then Mr P said, 'OH no no.. I'm not forcing you guys to go. Now since you already cancelled, how would you want to go again? If you want to go, ask Mr J if he would teach you.'

The money-minded fella obviously agreed to teach us, but not without some acting. Needless to say, Mr P's mood improved dramatically after we said we were going. He even double and tripled confirmed we were indeed going before he left us with Mr J. After which, he questioned us. 'Did you guys think I was angry just now?' To which we just stared at each other. Knowing very well that we wouldn't be giving him an answer, he continued on, 'I wasn't angry you know, I was just disappointed. Oh, don't you guys worry, this won't affect anything at all. It's not as if I would treat you or mark your exam papers differently. I'm just disappointed in you all, that's all.'

After everything was over, we sat down and had a chat. And we came to a mutual agreement on a few things:

1. He was blardy blackmailing us with the RM1000 deposit.
2. He threatened us with our exam papers.
3. He mind-raped us.
4. He was lying through his nose when he said everything was booked. He actually told us we could take a flight there if we wanted to be faster, and he only booked our accommodation when we asked him about it.
5. Mr J wanted money, that's all.

Anyway, I thought we have decided on going for the course. But then... J called, and he said it was cancelled.

Yeah, he went and saw Mr P after we all went back, and told him that we would like to go diving but maybe at the end of the semester, not before our exam, etc etc etc..

And, you guessed it~! He said he was mind-raped. Again. Alone. Well...what else could you expect from a psychologist? And a psycho psychologist at that. Mr P tried to play the good guy game, while trying to twist J's mind. Poor thing. Fortunately for J, he said that he knew some mind techniques as well. So it's not too bad. But it must have been real scary, to be in the same room, and looking a mind twister in the eye. Even more scary is that this is your lecturer, who you would be dealing with for another 1.5 years.

My conclusion: Money can do things to people that you would otherwise have never expected. For money, and money alone, there is nothing too low. Even the most respectable person (or whom you may think is respectable) could lose all dignity in your eyes for it.

Though Mr P said that all's settled and it's all in the past, and that it's his fault, not ours, I find it hard to believe that he would let go so easily.

For the next 1.5 years that we would be under him, I can only pray and hope for the best.

God bless us all.

Letting Go

I've never known it before. But right now, I can tell you that saying goodbye and letting go are indeed the hardest. Especially when you know that you are not going to see that person again; at least not in this lifetime.

Maybe it's just me, but I realise that I seem to take things for granted too much. I have never thought about the 'what if's', and what the future might hold. Maybe I always believed that things would stay the same forever and ever. How naive of me.

I took the fact that I had all 4 of my grandparents around for granted.

1 of them, I live with, and whom I see everyday of my life.

Another lives nearby, and I see very frequently.

The other 2 stays further away, and I only get to see them once a year.

I guess I just never thought about what would happen if they left. Though I know that everyone passes on, I never really thought about what it would mean to me.

But when I left home for studies, I seldom went home. And so, I saw less and less of my paternal grandparents.

I may have frequented my maternal grandparents home more times than I had previously, but was that really enough??

And now, my paternal grandma and my maternal grandpa has left this earthly world.

I was not there when they passed on.

Always, I wonder.

Would it have made a difference if I was with them when they left?

Then they would at least have someone accompanying them.

Was I a filial and good grandchild?

Did I meet their expectations?

Regret after regret come bombarding.

What if I was a better person?

What if I visited more often?

What if I was there?

And that makes saying goodbye all the harder.

But when they are lowered into their final resting places, you know that there is just no other way. No other way than to bid the final goodbye, and let them go. To let them be free, and for them to move on to the Gates of Heaven, to meet with God and the angels awaiting them. A place where they would feel no hunger, experience no sorrow. A place where they would finally be free; free from suffering and pain.

With that thought, I can finally let go now.

Goodbye, Grandma.

Goodbye, Grandpa.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy your life now. You definitely deserve it.