Self doubt

Looking back at my previous post, I realise that this is becoming a habit. For the past 6 months, have I not improved a slight bit?

Today's feedback from a tutor wasn't unexpected. I already knew what was coming much earlier into the rotation. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt this time. How can it not hurt, when a tutor tells you that she is concerned about you? And then asking about your previous performances doesn't help with the confidence either. To be honest, I'm worried about myself too. Its a little late to be saying this, but how can I catch up in time so I can at least be on par with the rest?

I may think that I'm OK, maybe just stressed out when people pose questions directed to me, but I was told that is not the case at all. I'm not just reserved or shy. I'm lacking. Which is what is causing the reservedness. I know that. But that doesn't make it any less painful.

Add that on to what another tutor told me yesterday. When I said that yes, I need to read more, the tutor said something like, ya, you're one half of the posting slow in catching up, hut its OK you're doing OK. Now, tell me, won't you feel hurt? And then he went on to say what he thinks are nice things to say about people,  which are actually just what he tells everyone, in the hope that people feel motivated.

Well the tutor today said that my strength is in communicating with patients. Patients don't mind me, and I have good rapport with patients. I'm a pleasant person. Now, what kind of a comment is that. That is something you tell someone you don't like. Something you say when you have nothing else good to say about someone, yet you have to say something nice. So that's what you would say. You're a pleasant person.

Please.

I know I don't meet your expectations. I know I'm not good enough.

I'll try harder. But maybe I should have done that earlier. Put in more effort.

But let me try.

Let me do my best.

Let me be willing to strive for the best.

I want to be a good doctor. And in my own right. With my own effort. And not something you say just for the sake of making me feel better.

But I thank you for your encouragement. And I thank you for your honesty. You woke me up.

I shall not be complacent anymore. I'll work to where I want to be.

And I hope to reach my aim. My target. And be who I've always wanted to be.

I hope I'll be someone you will be proud of. Someday.

And most importantly, I hope to be someone I can be proud of. Someone I would be proud to introduce to others.

Sigh.

Life has been good to me so far.

Is it me who isn't taking the initiative to learn more? To gain more knowledge and experience?
Am I too lazy?
Or am I just plain complacent?

I'm starting to question whether I'm in the right course. Right, it may be a little too late for opting out, seeing as I'm already 4 years into the course. I've always thought that this is what I want to do with my life. A life of helping others. Sounds cliche, I know. But that is truly what I've always wanted.

But is this career for me?

People may think that I'm smart, intelligent maybe. Somehow, I don't see myself as that.

I don't seem to be able to remember much of what I study.
I don't seem to be able to answer a lot of the questions posed to me by friends, lecturers, patients even.

I've always admired those who can talk to patients well, able to explain their conditions to them, and have a ready explanation waiting for them when they ask questions. However, I seem to be very lacking in that area.

Not only that, I'm afraid of hurting the patients. Especially when it comes to performing procedures on the patient. I'm afraid that I would hurt the patient. I cannot exhibit confidence when performing procedures on patients. As a result, patients are reluctant to place their trust in me. Not that I blame them.

I really do admire those who exude confidence wherever they go. Talking to patients, explaining and answering the questions with no hesitation whatsoever, and performing with confidence and ease procedures they've never done before.

How do I gain confidence?

If I do no have confidence, how can I expect patients to place their trust in me?

Trust is so fragile. If they give me their trust, and yet I somehow unintentionally hurt them, how do I answer to that?

How?